A Letter to Mein Boss
by ZQ
Summary: Kink meme de-anon. Germany leaves a letter for his future bosses, giving them an idea of what to expect from the job.


Dear Sir or Madam,

If you are reading this, you are now the Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany. Greetings and congratulations.

It has come to my attention that as the newly-elected president, you have many questions regarding this job. That is why I have instructed this letter to be sent to you on the night of your inauguration. The contents herein shall serve to help you prepare for your stay in office.

First, I shall introduce myself and explain my purpose. I am Germany. I am not being metaphorical when I say this. I am the nation of Germany in human form, representing both the land and the people. To answer the question you are undoubtedly thinking, I do not know how this is possible. Do not bother to ask me. If you do, you will be sentenced to do fifty push ups. If you are uncomfortable referring to me by my proper name of Germany, it is permitted for you to use my human name, Ludwig. Several former bosses have adopted "Ludwig Beilschmidt" as my full name for reasons which shall soon become clear, however I advise against it. "Beilschmidt" is not my surname. For whatever reason, I do not have one. Using Beilschmidt as my surname is not only incorrect, but it causes confusion with paperwork and leads to certain people (who shall be addressed in a moment) insisting that it is proof that they own my "vital regions".

As a personification of the nation, I will be under your command. There are a number of reports and stacks of paperwork that I will manage, from the military budget to international trade. While I am willing to compromise on what jobs you wish to do yourself, I must insist that I be the one to handle anything involving interactions with other nations. Several previous bosses have tried to do so in the past, however it ended in tears and an unfortunate amount of property damage. I regret to say that a good many nations still are distrustful towards my bosses, and thus prefer to keep their dealing with me.

It is in your best interest to know that I have only one living relative ("living" in the sense that he continues to hold a job as a representative of a land mass, though I use that description in the loosest sense possible). This relative is my bruder, formerly the representation of the Teutonic Knights, now officially the representation of Prussia. We are both well aware of the fact that the nation of Prussia no longer exists, though my bruder will deny that fact to his grave. He insists that he is still around thanks to his "awesomeness", but the official paperwork should inform you that he is, in fact, currently representing eastern Germany. You should be aware that Prussia will attribute many things to his "awesomeness", including beer, broadswords, bratwurst, and the fall of the Berlin Wall. I suggest you ignore him when he talks about such things. It is safer for your sanity, and is the only way to shut him up, short of duct tape.

If you are uncomfortable with calling bruder by his true name of Prussia, you are welcome to call him by his human name of Gilbert Beilschmidt. My bruder has also asked me to inform you that if you refer to him as Gilbert, you must agree to call his pet chick by the name of "Gilbird". Failure to do so, he says, will result in him "calling down the wrath of Old Fritz and my awesomeness" on you. I do recommend that you give in to this particular demand, not because of any wrath befalling you, but because Prussia whined like a small child until the last boss gave in and used that wretched name.

I shall conclude this letter by leaving you with these instructions. Follow them in an orderly fashion, and all will be well:

1.) As a representation of this nation, I will occasionally be visited by other nation representatives:

(Aa) Every so often, an Italian man with an odd hair curl will make his way into various government buildings. If he is sighted, do not be alarmed. Chances are that he is simply looking for me. If that is the case, kindly contact me at once so that I may find him. Otherwise, he will get lost and loudly begin to cry "ve" until I arrive, he passes out from lack of oxygen, or someone feeds him pasta.

(Ab) Alternately, another Italian man with an odd hair curl and a tendency to growl about "damned potato eaters" will wander into the area. If he is sighted, call the president of Spain and ask him to send Antonio Fernandez Carriedo over with a box of tomatoes.

(B) Also every so often, a Japanese man will be sighted in the same government buildings. Unlike the Italian, he ought to be quiet and well-behaved, so long as no one mentions subbing versus dubbing within earshot of him. If the Italian man is in the same area as him there is no need to panic, unless the Italian is not wearing pants. If that is the case, alert me and I shall bring the Emergency Backup Boxers immediately.

(C) If an American man with a tuft of hair sticking up is seen on the premises, it is best to leave him to his own devices. He is capable of amusing himself for long periods of time. If, however, he panics and begins to scream about "fucking Nazi bastards, God-damn!", have security handcuff him and tackle him to the ground before he begins shooting in random directions.

(Da) If an Englishman with unusually thick eyebrows comes to visit me with flowers, I am not at home.

(Db) If an obnoxious Frenchman comes to visit me, I am also not at home, nor am I accepting commissions for cuckoo clocks.

(Dc) If an Englishman with unusually thick eyebrows and an obnoxious Frenchmen happen to visit me at the same time, I am not at home and advise security to evacuate the surrounding area and take defensive action.

(Ea) If a large Russian man with white hair comes to visit, I will handle him immediately. If I am not available, limit interaction with him. Under no circumstances should you agree to "become one" with him or attempt to take away the lead pipe he carries.

(Eb) Ignore the young, white-haired girl watching the Russian from the shadows, if she is there. Any attempts to confront her or remove her from the premises will result in multiple stab wounds.

(Ec) If the sounds of sobbing and something large bouncing are heard while the Russian is visiting...just ignore that too.

2.) While my bruder is currently representing the eastern side of Germany, it is preferable that you send any paperwork or jobs concerning that region to be dealt with by me. The last time Bruder was allowed to handle his own affairs, Israel left in a huff, though we managed to avoid nuclear war with Afghanistan. Narrowly.

3a.) Under no circumstances are you to discuss my insane ex-boss with me or my bruder. And do not pretend you do not know which one that is.

3b.) Similarly, _never_ discuss communism or the Soviet Union with Prussia.

4.) Regardless of what my bruder may tell you, he does _not_ own Austria's vital regions, nor does he possess "five long meters".

5.) Do not ask questions as to why I have a stick on my desk. Herr Stick is a war hero, and is not to be harassed.

6.) If an alien invasion happens, break the glass dome under your desk. You should find a Magic Marker inside, which will aid you greatly.

7 .) Every so often, I will be hosting a World Meeting with all nations able to attend/willing to attend/forced to attend by their bosses. These meetings are planned to be monthly, though there are other factors (how many nations RSVP, current events in our houses, whether or not Prussia has figured out how to pick the conference room's new locks, etc). I will e-mail you at least five days before each meeting. You may, if you wish, leave me a list of anything you wish me to address for it. Simply leave it with my World Meeting supplies (several cases of beer, twelve bottles of aspirin, two cases of wurst, and a Luger P08 pistol with multiple rounds of ammunition).

Again, I offer congratulations and wish you luck and patience. So very much patience. Do not feel overwhelmed or panicked. You are of my people, and Germans are strong and brave. Be wise. Do your best.

And ignore whatever idiocy my bruder undoubtedly intends to scribble at the end of this note.

- The Republic of Germany (Ludwig)

_Pfft, look at that idiot, with his organized lists and instructions! Who needs that? You get too prissy and you end up like that stick-in-the-mud Austria, or that violent loser Hungary! Just go with the flow, I say. You'll do fine! Just try to keep up with me and my greatness, that is all. _

_I AM AWESOME!_

_From Prussia, with love!_


End file.
